Relationship v. Argument

The other day I was complaining about something to my husband. To tell you the truth, I was finding fault in many things he did... or didn't do. The house was a mess, I had lots to do and there was lots that needed to be done. I was stressed and I was taking it out on him. One thing led to another and before I knew it... we were arguing.

You know, that moment when you are so extremely mad at the one person you love more than anything in this world. I was puffing so hard! Almost so mad that my eyes were crossing. Our argument was to the point where after about 30 minutes of going back and forth- I couldn't even tell you what started the whole thing. SAD HUH? When you are so mad yet can't remember what started it!?

Then it dawned on me.

If I am so mad.. that I don't even know why I am mad... then why am I so mad about it? THAT JUST MADE ME MORE MAD! I started thinking of all the time I had wasted being picky about every little thing. Then I thought... Which do I value more? The Relationship or the Argument?

Don't get me wrong. There are times when standing up for what is right- is the right thing to do. Then there are times when pressing the issue on something YOU feel is RIGHT.. is NOT called for. My husband and I discuss EVERYTHING- We probably talk more than your average couple. Most of our conversations are informative on how work is going or what our plans for the day or week are... but sometimes our conversations are more intense- Yes emotions get involved-- I AM A FEMALE- but there are times when I must sit back and determine if it is a good time to stand firm or stand down.

 In Marriage, we must learn the difference. There will be times when things don't go our way. There will also be times when we want to express to our spouse the feelings that we have. My personal advice is...no matter what-- whether we stand firm or stand down-------> We must always VALUE the RELATIONSHIP more than the argument.

I feel sometimes we get caught up in our own emotions that we value the argument more. We don't care what gets said or who gets hurt as long as we get our point across. Slowly.. Marriages deteriorate because Arguments get more Value.

My personal goal this week is to place my spouse above any argument or discussion we may have. Yes, I will still express my feelings to him- But I am a firm believer that ANYTHING can be said nicely. My goal is to "talk" through everything.
If I feel we are getting no where- We will just agree to disagree- and resume later. No need to get loud, get stressed, and off track. (don't want to go back to not knowing what started the argument).

So my question to you is.. Do you value your relationship more than you value your arguments? If so, then I recommend you try the same thing. Try to be more conscious about your discussions. Remember, you are mad at the one person you are supposed to love with all of your heart! What argument could be more important than them??

Can you imagine how strong marriages would be if both the husband and the wife valued each other MORE than the disagreements they may have?

~Beautiful Disaster~

The average woman hears she is Beautiful, yet doesn't believe it.
 It's not that she thinks she is ugly.
She just doesn't feel worthy enough to be called "Beautiful".

"Why?" We ask... Because Society has told us that the "Beautiful" woman... is a supermodel that has long sleek legs, stringy yet perfect hair, perky lips, eye lashes for days, abs of steel, the perfect chest, and a petite figure. Heck, you see the "perfect woman" everywhere you look in magazines and billboards.

How discouraging! So often Society puts us down before we even have a chance. You can hear "you are beautiful" at home, or from parents, a spouse, or friend.. Yet, In your head all you see is a list of things you want or feel you need to improve: your weight, your muscle tone, your hair, your face etc.

It hurts... It makes you feel less than you really are. Makes you feel Un-loveable.. But the Truth is... There is a MAN that loves you just the way you are!

In Psalms 139: 13-15, God tells us that we are "fearfully and wonderfully made".. We may not like how we look- or there may be something about ourselves that we wish we could change.. yet, GOD... He made us the way He wanted us! We were CREATED by the Master. How awesome is that... He created us in our Mothers womb... He knew our features before the WORLD knew our features. He Loved us before we had a chance to Hate ourselves.

So often I feel that women lose sight that "Beauty" really comes from within. I once heard a quote that went something like this.. "A pretty face will grow old.. A nice Body will change with age... But a Good woman.. will always be a GOOD WOMAN!" Wow... What a reminder~ Society can tell us that Beauty is a LOOK that we all wish we can achieve yet God tells us otherwise.

 In Proverbs 31:30 He tells us that "Charm is deceitful and Beauty is passing, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised!"

Just know that God thinks you are Beautiful. You may find your "flaws" that you wish you could change. You may think or feel that in the eyes of this world you are nothing but a disaster. But try to retrain your way of thinking. The next time you are feeling down about your self (no matter what it is) think of whatever it is as a Beauty Mark given to you by God. In his eyes.. You are Loveable and you are Worthy. Find your Beauty in God.. not in this corrupt Society!

~My Weakness~

Is it just me or do other Mothers out there hear their alarm clocks frantically screaming in the morning, roll over, and think "I just did this!!!"

It seems like everyday is filled with events that keep me away from my family- keep me busy and on my toes. I come home- go to bed and repeat! On any given day I can go from teaching a class at the Detention Center to teaching middle School Students about Leadership and Communication- then Go teach a craft class or take a class from the gym- From one extreme to another!

Sometimes I feel guilty- Although I am doing what I can to provide for my family or every now and then fitting in a workout to better myself- I feel like I am an absent wife or mom. Guilt is something I let control me. It is my weakness!

Someone once told me that I am a PEOPLE PLEASER- and that I needed to learn to Please myself!

HA- Easier said then done!

What is pleasing to me? That's not hard- God, Family, and friends! Sometimes I get so carried away with helping others that I forget to help myself. I let my priorities take the back burner. (My family and friends may not see it or agree with it- yet I feel it).. ----Remember (that "G" word= GUILT).

It haunts me- it makes my heart beat faster than it needs to- it causes tension to build up in my shoulders, neck, and head. It makes my hair turn colors and causes deep valleys under my eyes.

Priorities should be just that- Priorities! I was told the other day that I just need to start telling people "NO".. That's another weakness of mine! But I am making a pact to start trying! Slowly but surely I will limit myself. You only live once right. I need to make the best of my time with my family while I have it!

Are you losing sight of your priorities? Do you catch yourself stuck on "repeat"? Is Guilt something you are encountering when you spend more time working and doing things for others than you do for yourself? If so, then maybe it is time for you to slow down as well! Remember- You can't people please all the time- (without being selfish) you must learn to please yourself! Don't let the hecticness of life rob you of your joy!

~Wanted: Someone to do these things~

I was thinking the other day about what a good man God has blessed me with! I got to thinkin': Not everyone has this in their partner. Some women do it alone- or just haven't found their Mr. Right. Some women can't communicate with their significant others as well as I can with mine. My Graduate Degree is Human Services with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Counseling.. Although, I didn't get my counseling license (because I don't want to take everyone's marriage stress home with me) I do have a passion for Communication- especially within the marriage!

So Men- Listen up-  Here are a few things I am SURE your significant other would LOVE for you do to for them. You will be surprised just how much it will mean to them.  Remember that---It's the LITTLE things that mean the most!!
Women-- You should do the same for your spouse sometime- if you don't already do..
____________________________________________________
1. Tell her she is Beautiful!-- She may know she is OR she may think she's not- but hearing it from you makes all the difference in the world. Knowing that your partner finds you attractive is NEEDED in a relationship. Did you hear me? It is a necessity as a woman! Just because you said "WILL YOU MARRY ME?" or "WILL YOU DATE ME?" Doesn't mean that the chase isn't on anymore. Your woman still needs to be pursued by you ALL THE TIME!

2. Love her despite her flaws: Love is such a strong word. So is "Flaws". First and foremost, realize that no one but God is perfect. Second, Just because you may see them as flaws- doesn't mean that she does. We can all define "flaws" differently. When she is doing that thing you hate (Love her for it) She wouldn't be who she is if she didn't have those little quirks that makes her who she is- if anything, it maybe why you fell in love with her in the first place! The Bible says in Ephesians 5:25 "²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her". The Church (the PEOPLE) are not always perfect, yet Jesus loves us despite of our "Flaws".
* Love her with your whole heart- Not just some of it and not just on "date night".

3. Leave her messages:  Whether it be on a post-it- on the refrigerator- in her lunch box- in her car- or on the bathroom mirror-- a random text or an old school note book paper letter- Little notes from you may brighten her whole day- It not only tells her you are thinking of her... It tells her that you took the time out of your busy schedule to do something FOR her. That in itself is huge! She loves hearing from you! Don't forget how your relationship once started. (passing notes at school- cards on valentines day etc) Notes are special to people. I still have tons of Notes my husband and I wrote to each other in high school and college! Try it!

4.Random gifts:  When I say "gifts" I use that term lightly. A random gift that meant a lot to me was beef jerky and a bag of chips on my front seat when I left for work one morning. To this redneck country girl- that was AMAZING!! A gift from you doesn't have to be a ring or a piece of jewelry.. It can be a coupon for a back rub- or a random act of kindness like: breakfast in bed.. or the Laundry.

5. Kiss her on the forehead: All women love this!

6.Pray for her: One- a man that prays is HOT! Two- Knowing that you are praying for your significant other will touch her in ways that you will never be able to. I pray for my husband everyday. He doesn't know it but I do. I want his walk with God to blossom. I once heard "A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ that a man should have to seek HIM to find HER!"  Pray for your mate. It's the best thing you can do for him or her.

7. Surprise her with Dinner:  No, I don't mean a fancy restaurant. For this working Mama- Dinner cooking when I walk through the door is the best thing my husband can do for me these days! Knowing that after a long day I don't have to stand on my aching feet in the Kitchen is HEAVENLY!! You can take her to dinner if you would like.. But don't over think these techniques. They can all be done in the comfort of your home!

8. (If you are Married) Go to bed at the same time: Life can be so hectic- Sometimes the talking that we do during the day consist of text messages or emails "Are you picking the children up?" "want to go to Mom's house for Dinner Sunday?"  Going to bed at the same time allows you as a couple the alone time to catch up on your day to day life. Everything slows down when you can be alone (just the two of you). Don't stay up watching t.v. or working so late that you neglect each other. Precious time together is a necessity. If this is something you usually don't do- and you decide to start- I just KNOW she will appreciate that extra time with you!

9. Plan fun Trips together: I have noticed that quality time in the car together is a blast for my husband and I. It doesn't even have to be a BIG vacation. It can be a simple over night stay somewhere close by. These are the times we blare music in the car- eat junk food that we shouldn't eat-  and laugh the hardest! You only live once. Make memories together!

10. Never stop pursuing her:  Most people think the "I Do" is the end. Make a promise that it will be the BEGINNING! Don't be complacent in your relationship. When people get comfortable that is when mistakes happen! Women love to be chased- especially by the man that has their heart! In the words of Brad Paisleys' Country song: "Love her like she's leaving- Like it's all going to end if you don't. Love her like she's leaving- oh and I guarantee SHE WON'T" "its easy to take forever for granted with tin cans tied to your car. I know she always tells you that she all ways be there but I'm telling you if you are smart... you will love her like she's leaving- Like its all going to end if you don't.. Love her like she's leaving... and I guarantee she won't!"

"The best way to keep her...is to keep her wanting you" ~Brad Paisley

"Superwoman"

No- I don't have the flu- I am just sore!
_______________________________________

Today I walked into my workout class for the first time since I had my baby... depressing how out of shape I am but motivating when I looked around.

There were obvious reasons why someone would be motivated- the music- the atmosphere- the weights etc. But for me it was something different.... It was the variety of women that were taking the class with me. You ask why?? That is a random answer!! Well here is why:

When I looked around I saw young women just starting out, middle aged women trying to find their way, and older women who have been through a lot. I saw teachers, nurses, stay at home moms, students, even property managers. Even deeper; I saw military wives who brave being home alone, teenagers who deal with high school drama, police officers wives who sometimes feel like single moms...--- I saw women who are fitness freaks and women who struggle with their weight.  All in all, we are women from different walks of life. Women who start their days and finish their days by checking boxes off of their to do lists in their heads. Wake up, get the kids ready for school, get to work, pick the kids up, go to the gym, grocery shop, cook dinner, bathe the children, do the laundry, etc. repeat!

I got to thinking about how fierce the "Woman" actually is. I once read a monologue called "I am an Emotional Creature", I cannot believe someone could sum up a "woman" so well: Someone who has an intuition like no other, feels things so much more intense then men do, feelings "pulse through us"...While that monologue pumps me up about being a woman.. there are sometimes I hate being a woman as well. One of the main reasons is because  I feel there are so many expectations of us- by our husbands, families, peers, jobs, and society as a whole.

While I stood there trying to keep up with the routine of the workout class I couldn't help but reflect on my life as a new mom- How in the world am I going to do this? How in the world am I going to go back to work full time- pick up my son from daycare- work out to get back into shape- cook dinner- be the perfect wife, daughter, sister, friend... and MORE??  I kind of started to freak out... I didn't know if it was my fear of my new role or the workout that was getting harder by the second.  Then I realized it was a mixture of both as my heart started to race.  As nervous as I am about all of it- I am calmed when I read Proverbs.


Proverbs 13 describes a fierce woman-- one that I want to strive to be... but I want to focus on verses 13-21:

¹³ She selects wool and flax
    and works with eager hands.
¹⁴ She is like the merchant ships,
    bringing her food from afar.
¹⁵ She gets up while it is still night;
    she provides food for her family
    and portions for her female servants.
¹⁶ She considers a field and buys it;
    out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
¹⁷ She sets about her work vigorously;
    her arms are strong for her tasks.
¹⁸ She sees that her trading is profitable,
    and her lamp does not go out at night.
¹⁹ In her hand she holds the distaff
    and grasps the spindle with her fingers.
²⁰ She opens her arms to the poor
    and extends her hands to the needy.
²¹ When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
    for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

WOW- How intense! This is a woman who has it together! A woman who provides for her family, gives it her all, gives to the needy etc. Then I realized just I how I am going to do it.. I am going to try my best to be the woman that is spoke about in this scripture. My own version of "Superwoman"--I may not get everything right, do everything by the book or have an "S" on my chest... but I will be trying.

  "I am not saying I am superwoman...but I am saying that you have never seen me and superwoman in the same room together ;)"

~ 5 Weeks Postpartum~

(I love this picture I saw on the internet)

__________________________________________


As I looked in the mirror before my son was born I saw a huge (what appeared to be a beach ball) stomach. I felt kicks and elbows, flutters, and hiccups. It was amazing! A tiny person was growing inside of me. How wonderful.

Fast forward five weeks- As I look in the mirror I see a soft stomach (that 9 months+ ago I thought was firm). I see dark spots that came out of no where. I also see red lines that run vertically down my stomach (that I did not see while I was pregnant)- I met the one thing I thought I had prevented.. stretch marks.

My first human/womanly thought was: " Will they go away? Will they lighten up? Will my husband still find me attractive if they stay?" I get comments from people like "You look great for just having a baby!" and while I am grateful for the compliments- people have no clue what it looks like under the shirt that I am wearing.

While I was thinking about this change that my body is having to adapt to I ran across this blog that hit me like a ton of bricks!- http://www.abeautifulbodyproject.com/_babies_ruin_bodies_an_ode_to_my_postpartum_body#.UtcBf-l3s

I prayed for this baby to come into my life and I am so grateful that he is here! I was quickly reminded of the struggle that we went through to have him (and the struggles that many women are going through to get pregnant- or even those who have faced the fact that they can't have children!).

Psalms 139:13-14 says:
For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.

Although I am slowly looking at my body in a new way- it is still a struggle- I am just being real with you! Not because of what I think- but because society tells us that stretch marks and flabby skin are ugly. But this is a struggle that I will gladly take.

God knit him together piece by piece inside of me. I am blessed that God chose me to be his mother! God knew how big he would be an how small I was while he was forming- because he was fearfully and wonderfully made. Each and every stretch mark is worth it because it carried the child that God created! I can honestly say that with every look at a stretch mark I think of him hiccupping inside of me or kicking me and it makes me smile because every mark tells a story. Will it take time to get used to this new body- or try to improve it- certainly! But I have time.. Trying to see what I thought was a struggle- now as a blessing!

 I once heard "For every woman that is unhappy with her postpartum marks- there is another who wishes she had them!" trying to remember that "My body isn't ruined- I am just a tiger who has earned her stripes!"


Whether it be stretch marks- or something else unrelated to babies--- try to think of your struggles in a positive light- it does the soul good!

15 Days before Christmas....

T'was 15 days before Christmas and I was laying in bed

4:30AM and so much going through my head.

Painful contractions I was having- ten minutes apart

Oh boy- are we ready? It's about to start

 

Woke up my husband

and packed up the car

Headed to the hospital

which wasn't too far

 

Walking to the front door

and "Oh that was weird.."

I think I have peed on myself

Or at least that is what I feared.

 

Continued to walk

 only a few more feet

At the Labor and Delivery door

A nurse we did meet.

 

The Nurse said "Let's check ya"

"Oh yes, it has broke- call all your family

This is not a joke"

 

"Not sure what your plans were

for this 9th day of December

But it's going to be a sure

 day that you both remember!"

 

Andrew and I smiled

As tears began to stream.

Our prayers had been answered

On the 15th day before Christmas Eve.

__________________________________________________________________

What I am learning in my 2 short weeks of Motherhood:

Wow, what a mixture of emotions. The above picture is MY favorite by far! Tears of joy kept flowing.. I clearly remember hearing the sound of myself weeping as they placed my baby on my chest (I have never heard myself sound like that while crying).. It was the weirdest thing ever but so amazing! Overwhelmed in a good way!

1. I have learned that teamwork in a marriage is very important. Andrew told me from the get go "I can't read your mind"- "If you need me to do something in particular- you will have to tell me"  (As a Communication major- I know that Communication is everything- yet sometimes I let Pride get in the way and I try to do things on my own. These days have taught me to lean on the man I married! Why not? I trust him with everything else. So I have learned that when I am feeding our son and I need his assistance- All I have to do is ask him. I am learning to not let pride get in the way- help is needed-- accept it with a smile!

2.  I have learned that I will have to start telling people no.. For the longest time I have been a people pleaser. No matter what someone asked me to do (projects, pick something up, take something somewhere, be at a birthday party etc) I would try to find a way to do it all. Even if it inconvenienced my already made plans. I remember once having to be in Hampton to do something one morning- driving back to Beaufort for a kids party- then back to Hampton for something that evening. People told me I was crazy- but I was just trying to make everyone else happy. I am slowing learning that I will have to tell people no- I have other priorities now.

3. I have learned that everyone will have an opinion-- All Mothers- will want to tell you how they did things, products they thought worked and those that they thought didn't, etc. As a new mom: I have learned to listen- yet- I have learned to remember that just because it worked for them does not mean that I have to do it or that it will work for me! I am learning how to take peoples advice with a smile- but do what Andrew and I think is best.

4. I have learned that Breast Feeding takes EXTREME dedication: I heard things like "It is going to hurt.. I gave up after a few days etc" But I knew going into this that I really wanted to try it. Well, It does hurt and I did want to give up. But I wasn't raised to be a quitter. Haha- At first it was awful and very frustrating (especially since I was sleep deprived) but it has gotten easier after the first 15 days.

5. I have learned that I am still learning!  We don't know all the answers and Yes, we might do things wrong or different than others... but... Andrew and I are learning together!